I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
