Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
