You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
honey bunches of taint.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
