i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
