I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize