please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
