if i can run in heels then i can drive
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
