I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
