I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
