Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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