sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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