Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
