Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
