If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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