I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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