The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
