the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
