Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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