The maid of honor just puked.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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