Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
