i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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