dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
