How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
