He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
