The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
