I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
