So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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