I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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