i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
