Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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