I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
