I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
