If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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