So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize