i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
