We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
