guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize