btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
