I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
