if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
