at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Come on in and take your pants off
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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