captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
