either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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