I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
