Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
