If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
