mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
