Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
