Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
