thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
