fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
