I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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