What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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