32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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