Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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