So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
