WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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