I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
