dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
