Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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