apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
