The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
