Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
