Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
