I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
