just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
where are my eyebrows?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
